Firsts

It's no secret that we've been trying to have a baby for years. When we finally confirmed that we've successfully conceived, I busted out the blessed hashtag. Thus, I was expecting rainbows and butterflies and confetti when I give birth.

But no. Even without consulting a doctor, I knew I suffered post-partum depression. I was tired, sleep-deprived and crying all the time. The day after I gave birth, I learned that my prospective employer after my leave decided not to honor our agreement so I was going to be jobless. The yaya left two weeks after. I wanted someone, anyone, to take care of me but everyone was unavailable. However, I was expected to take care of this little baby.

Do not be confused, I love my baby as soon as we met him. But as it is with PPD, or more probably the sleep deprivation, I had the craziest thoughts.

People told me it will get better, that it's all gonna be worth it.

So I kept waiting.

I got a job a month before my maternity leave expired. This made me more stressed but I think it also helped me a little that I was out of the house. As soon as I get home from work, I would take a shower, scarf down dinner and take care of the baby until the next morning. On weekends, I'm on full time mommy mode.

Yesterday, we finally witnessed the “it's-gonna-be-worth-it” part. While I was inside the grocery, baby was with hubby who was meeting a customer. Hubby said that after the transaction, P suddenly launched an all-out crying fit. He prepared a bottle but P was still crying. So I went out of the grocery before paying to see what was wrong. After feeding, I carried P in the burp position and we went back inside the grocery. While waiting in line hubby was telling me that while P was crying in his stroller, he was kicking so hard that he was sliding down the seat. Then suddenly, P GIGGLED. And then giggled again. I motioned hubby to take out his phone and we managed to record the third, albeit shorter, giggle.

I'm so happy we were there to witness that. I hope that even if I'm a working mommy, I will get to witness all his other firsts, all the other “it's gonna be worth it” moments.